Slow isn’t the Problem. Vague is.
Slow and vague is just avoidance with good PR.
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The problem with current dating culture is that no one wants to take accountability. Hardly ever.
And you’re maybe thinking, “But Aoife, what about...?” I don’t care. I really don’t care what your excuse or rationale is. Dating has become a high-stakes game with little reward, one that pits people’s shame and egos against each other and hopes for the best while everyone protects themselves from the worst.
Here’s the thing nobody wants to hear: connection of any kind comes with responsibility. There’s no getting around that. There are no qualifiers or escape hatches you can pre-set to protect yourself from it.
People want emotional connection and closeness. They want the safety of a relationship without the responsibility that comes with it. They want to “go slow” or “start as friends and see how it goes.” Fuck that - Genuinely.
It’s a cop-out because these same people will treat you like a romantic partner right up until you have needs or thoughts that challenge the casual-friends-with-benefits pipeline they’re trying to funnel you into. It’s subtle, and it sounds reasonable. Of course you’re aiming for some kind of friendship when you start dating, and of course you’re mindful of pacing. This is a pattern I’ve run into with numerous people, and my friends, girls and guys alike, have told me the same story.
I had a situation recently where the emotional weather shifted, so I asked for clarity. I wasn’t asking for a commitment. I was asking if we were on the same page. What I got was, “I’ll get back to you on this.” Spoiler: he never did.
And to be clear, going slowly is fine. Not knowing exactly what you want yet is fine. Realizing you’re not ready for a relationship is fine. You’re allowed to change your mind. What isn’t fine is expecting someone else to navigate your uncertainty while refusing to communicate about it. You don’t owe anyone a relationship. You do owe the people you engage with basic honesty and consideration.
So what gives? Why are we treating each other like hot commodities, valued one day and written off the next simply because someone asked something of us?
I do this for a living, so let me say it plainly: avoiding discomfort feels like relief in the moment and costs you more every single time. Dating just gives people a socially acceptable way to do it.
And no, I’m not above this. Have I done it too? Probably. That’s how I can spot it so fast.
So what’s the solution? People need to be brave.
Face yourself and your discomfort instead of running away and treating someone else’s feelings like an inconvenience standing between you and what you really want: attention, validation, intensity, and fun. Sorry, kids. To get the fun stuff, you also have to invest in the less fun stuff. If you can’t do that, go to therapy, journal, or call the friend who will actually tell you the truth. But whatever you do…. Figure it out.
Accountability in dating looks like:
Saying what you want, even when it’s awkward.
Being timely and upfront if things shift.
Doing what you said you’d do, including “I’ll get back to you.”
Please stop window-shopping humans. Please stop treating people like options you can write off the second you get uncomfortable.
As an old professor of mine used to say, “Own your shit and work on it.”
Truly great advice.
